Some times I wonder were life will lead me, I know things in life are changing for the better but one thing I hate doing is waiting, and as things stand at the minute all I do is wait. My sleeping has gone way down hill again and I'm not waking up till mid afternoon, it drives Joel crazy as he has work in the mornings and I'm just a pest all the time keeping him awake.
The nightmares I often have now adays are whats waking me up 4 or 5 times a night. I really should see my doctor about it but I hate having to go to her about such trivial things.
Personally I hate going to the doctors any way so instead I have taken up baking in hopes that it will fill in some gaps on a daily basis, so far no such luck.
My weekends are the best as me and Joel go up to my mates house for the weekend. We have a fairly good time and get to watch some great films and have a few drinks.
Well as its nearly 10 to 4 in the morning I'm going to leave this short and sweet and go see if i can get in to bed without waking Joel up.
Take care all.xx
Tuesday, 1 December 2009
Tuesday, 17 November 2009
Proposal.....
Things have been a bit hectic since I last left a note. I can't tell you in order how things have happened as I'm stupid and do not remember things very well ha ha!
Some things have not been so great, like one Saturday I had an awful day, I had fun in 2 ways and they were that I met Lyndsey for the 1st time and i got to go shopping, but everything else was a disaster.
I was in Asda with my mate and her dad, we were buying booze for a night in, and some one spat over the banister right on to my head, I was absolutely fuming mad!
It was also raining that day so my beautiful curls I had through my hair washed out and I looked like I had been dragged through a hedge backwards, I pride my self highly on how I look and I was not looking good at all this day!
Later that night after I had my fave meal, spag bol, I started getting some serious pains in my tummy, I am used to pain in my tummy as I always seem to have a problem with it, but this was so much worse, as time wore on the pain got worse and worse and I ended up laying on my back on the floor with my feet near my bum, I was wearing a dress so my fiancee covered me with a quilt. eventually the pain got too much to cope with and I started crying, Joel then realised that this was serious and he phoned for an ambulance as I literally could not move, when the paramedics came they gave me gas and air so they could move me to the ambulance, all the drama of this day was wearing me thin and i thought "god can this day get any worse", any way we got to the hospital and they did some tests on me and luckily I was OK, I had a water infection nearing my kidneys hence all the pain, they put me on antibiotics and sent me off home.
As I was staying at my mates house this night we headed back there, I then had my other mate having a flipping fit because no one wanted to drink with her, I could not as I had to take my antibiotics right away but she made me not take it and made me drink so I did as she wanted.
At around 3 in the morning my mates wondered down to the spar to get some wine for me to drink and Katie who was paying for it did not get lemonade to go with it. I was not too happy as I can not drink wine straight.
So Katie then started having a fit with me because she had spent "so much money" on me, (no offence as I am grateful for her buying the wine for me but it only cost her 10 quid for 2 bottles!), she was f'ing and blinding all over the place and i was really upset, She thought I was asleep while she did all this shouting her mouth off but I was curled up to Joel biting my own tongue so hard so I didn't say anything back to her! eventually she buggered of to bed and I had my moaning session to everyone about her attitude!
On to a more happier note I have had a couple of excellent things happen for me,
The first excellent thing that has happened is my wonderful partner proposed to me. I personally would not change the way he did it as it was not romantic at all, not like the dream proposal that every woman wants. He got down on one knee in the K2 night club and whispered in my ear asking me to marry him, I obviously said yes!
The second fantastic thing is that my half sister Lyndsey found us through face book and I got the chance too meet up with her after 13 years of not seeing her. She is a fantastic young woman now and I am over the moon that I have her in my life!
Joel and me have tickets curtsy of his sister Fran, she gave us both these for our birthdays, they are tickets to the Alhambra to see Joseph and the Technicolour dream coat, we are heading to see that this Friday. I am excited about that as before we go there Joel is taking me out for a meal, which will be really lovely. Also this Friday the 2nd Twilight film comes out so we are heading to see that next week which is another thing I can't wait to do hehehehe!
Life is so busy yet so good that I feel like I am on top of the world every now and then. I still go through depression, it hits like a brick and I take it out on Joel so much but hopefully things will start getting to wear I want them to be.x
Some things have not been so great, like one Saturday I had an awful day, I had fun in 2 ways and they were that I met Lyndsey for the 1st time and i got to go shopping, but everything else was a disaster.
I was in Asda with my mate and her dad, we were buying booze for a night in, and some one spat over the banister right on to my head, I was absolutely fuming mad!
It was also raining that day so my beautiful curls I had through my hair washed out and I looked like I had been dragged through a hedge backwards, I pride my self highly on how I look and I was not looking good at all this day!
Later that night after I had my fave meal, spag bol, I started getting some serious pains in my tummy, I am used to pain in my tummy as I always seem to have a problem with it, but this was so much worse, as time wore on the pain got worse and worse and I ended up laying on my back on the floor with my feet near my bum, I was wearing a dress so my fiancee covered me with a quilt. eventually the pain got too much to cope with and I started crying, Joel then realised that this was serious and he phoned for an ambulance as I literally could not move, when the paramedics came they gave me gas and air so they could move me to the ambulance, all the drama of this day was wearing me thin and i thought "god can this day get any worse", any way we got to the hospital and they did some tests on me and luckily I was OK, I had a water infection nearing my kidneys hence all the pain, they put me on antibiotics and sent me off home.
As I was staying at my mates house this night we headed back there, I then had my other mate having a flipping fit because no one wanted to drink with her, I could not as I had to take my antibiotics right away but she made me not take it and made me drink so I did as she wanted.
At around 3 in the morning my mates wondered down to the spar to get some wine for me to drink and Katie who was paying for it did not get lemonade to go with it. I was not too happy as I can not drink wine straight.
So Katie then started having a fit with me because she had spent "so much money" on me, (no offence as I am grateful for her buying the wine for me but it only cost her 10 quid for 2 bottles!), she was f'ing and blinding all over the place and i was really upset, She thought I was asleep while she did all this shouting her mouth off but I was curled up to Joel biting my own tongue so hard so I didn't say anything back to her! eventually she buggered of to bed and I had my moaning session to everyone about her attitude!
On to a more happier note I have had a couple of excellent things happen for me,
The first excellent thing that has happened is my wonderful partner proposed to me. I personally would not change the way he did it as it was not romantic at all, not like the dream proposal that every woman wants. He got down on one knee in the K2 night club and whispered in my ear asking me to marry him, I obviously said yes!
The second fantastic thing is that my half sister Lyndsey found us through face book and I got the chance too meet up with her after 13 years of not seeing her. She is a fantastic young woman now and I am over the moon that I have her in my life!
Joel and me have tickets curtsy of his sister Fran, she gave us both these for our birthdays, they are tickets to the Alhambra to see Joseph and the Technicolour dream coat, we are heading to see that this Friday. I am excited about that as before we go there Joel is taking me out for a meal, which will be really lovely. Also this Friday the 2nd Twilight film comes out so we are heading to see that next week which is another thing I can't wait to do hehehehe!
Life is so busy yet so good that I feel like I am on top of the world every now and then. I still go through depression, it hits like a brick and I take it out on Joel so much but hopefully things will start getting to wear I want them to be.x
Sunday, 25 October 2009
More than an Uncle!
I wrote this poem for my Uncle John, after all the wonderful things he did for me, it's the least i can do!
To me your more than an uncle,
Your truly a great friend,
Someone I could pour my thoughts out to,
Knowing you'll cherish them till the end.
You've made me laugh,
When I wanted to cry,
You've made me stronger,
When I felt so weak I could die.
Whenever I am upset I know your
There with a shoulder to cry on,
Whenever I face a problem and needed some help,
I know your the one I can rely on.
You've always made me happy,
I hope you can truly see,
You're more than an uncle,
You're also a great friend to me!.
To me your more than an uncle,
Your truly a great friend,
Someone I could pour my thoughts out to,
Knowing you'll cherish them till the end.
You've made me laugh,
When I wanted to cry,
You've made me stronger,
When I felt so weak I could die.
Whenever I am upset I know your
There with a shoulder to cry on,
Whenever I face a problem and needed some help,
I know your the one I can rely on.
You've always made me happy,
I hope you can truly see,
You're more than an uncle,
You're also a great friend to me!.
One for you!
I have to mention in this blog all the hard work my wonderful Uncle John did for me through my tough times.
He was a great help to me through a lot of my depression.
He spoke to me about his difficulties in life and helped me come to terms with the horrid things in my life.
He is and always will be my bestest uncle friend.
I could not have gotten through more than half the things I had to cope with if it was not for him! This ones for you Uncle John! I LOVE YOU!!! and I'm sorry I forgot to mention you in my 1st entry! please forgive me.xx
He was a great help to me through a lot of my depression.
He spoke to me about his difficulties in life and helped me come to terms with the horrid things in my life.
He is and always will be my bestest uncle friend.
I could not have gotten through more than half the things I had to cope with if it was not for him! This ones for you Uncle John! I LOVE YOU!!! and I'm sorry I forgot to mention you in my 1st entry! please forgive me.xx
Friday, 23 October 2009
Funny Feeling!
I get a funny feeling,
It comes from deep inside,
I get all mad and angry,
wanting to go and hide.
My doctor calls it depression,
My friends say it's just me,
But the thoughts and feelings
No one will ever be able to see.
Some say I'm psycho,
Some say I'm just weird,
It's like I'm a different person,
And the old me just disappeared.
I get really edgy,
I want to commit suicide,
Then I get a headache
Followed by feeling sad.
I wish I could get help,
I wish it would go away,
Maybe if I keep praying,
It will someday.
It comes from deep inside,
I get all mad and angry,
wanting to go and hide.
My doctor calls it depression,
My friends say it's just me,
But the thoughts and feelings
No one will ever be able to see.
Some say I'm psycho,
Some say I'm just weird,
It's like I'm a different person,
And the old me just disappeared.
I get really edgy,
I want to commit suicide,
Then I get a headache
Followed by feeling sad.
I wish I could get help,
I wish it would go away,
Maybe if I keep praying,
It will someday.
My First Entry!
Well, were to start. I guess today I will just talk a little bit about me and my life.
Through out my childhood I had a hard time, Growing up at home was always good, even though we did not have a right lot of money for expensive things my mum did the best she could with us. I have 1 brother, David, he is now 24, and 1 sister, Shelley, who is now 22 and pregnant with her first child.
We grew up in Bradford and that alone should tell you exactly what life was like.
At school I got bullied something rotten. I hated life and had hardly no friends. I was always a loner and spent most of my time under stairs crying because I could not cope with all the hassle.
Then my mum moved us all to Keighley and we started school here. I did everything I could to make a better life for my self, so that I could enjoy school and not get bullied, as these things work, I still managed to get bullied. No one liked me and I had a miserable time there too, I had 1 great friend, Claire, she was my rock through everything and because she hung around with me she got bullied a little too. We ended up skipping school on a regular basis and obviously failed all our GCSE's.
After leaving school we both had a rough time trying to get jobs and ended up living day by day but not knowing how we managed to make it through. When I was 17 me and Claire were walking down to the chip shop with her little brother, it was good Friday, and this group of lasses thought it would be funny to attack me, after that I had to go through a series of tests and operations on my left ear in which resulted me to having my left ear drum removed over my 21st birthday! Hospitals take forever trying to solve problems with there patients.
At the begging of this year I had a really rough time, I left the home I was living in due to my depression and I am pretty sure neither of my mates could cope with me much longer, so there I was homeless for 3 months, I lost my job after 1 year and 6 months of working there and a very unfair dismissal. I was at an all time low and drank my self stupid just so the pain was not with me any more. I was travelling back and forth between Keighley, Shipley and Blackpool staying at friends and family's houses and at one point I was at the point in ending everything with a bottle of southern comfort and 16 anadin extra tablets, and so I started trying to figure out a way to get my life sorted, and my call came, when my sister and her partner moved out of my mums house I was able to move in so there I got settled. Through out the time spent in a slumber of drunkenness I wrote a series of poems to help me get it out, through time I will be posting some on here for you all to read.
Thanks to my wonderful sister I came through and stopped drinking, she said to me "your my sister, I love you with all my heart and I do not want to loose the bond with you like I feel I have lost with mum", now coming from Shelley, who does not talk emotions to anyone, That pulled me through, I knew I had to change and change quick before I lost her.
Well now I'm 23, I'm coping well with only one working ear, I still drink on occasion but not over the top, I have a fantastic partner that loves me and I love him so much too, I think? ha ha kidding, of course I love him. On top off all that, we are moving, finally going to get my own home and a dog too, I so can not wait to get a dog!!!!
I am excited about meeting my niece, Natalie Frayer Taylor, who is due the 26th December which is a wonderful Christmas present. My life is looking so much brighter, I still suffer from depression which bothers Joel quite allot seeing as how he is the one that takes all the brunt of it. I really do feel sorry for him, when I am having a good day, I tell him all the time that I love him. OK so nearly all the time ha ha. But honestly, I really do not know how or why he copes with all the crap I give him! I tell him constantly that he deserves better but he does not listen to a word I say.x
That's all I have for now, I shall be posting one of my poems on shortly.x Take care all, till next time.xx
Through out my childhood I had a hard time, Growing up at home was always good, even though we did not have a right lot of money for expensive things my mum did the best she could with us. I have 1 brother, David, he is now 24, and 1 sister, Shelley, who is now 22 and pregnant with her first child.
We grew up in Bradford and that alone should tell you exactly what life was like.
At school I got bullied something rotten. I hated life and had hardly no friends. I was always a loner and spent most of my time under stairs crying because I could not cope with all the hassle.
Then my mum moved us all to Keighley and we started school here. I did everything I could to make a better life for my self, so that I could enjoy school and not get bullied, as these things work, I still managed to get bullied. No one liked me and I had a miserable time there too, I had 1 great friend, Claire, she was my rock through everything and because she hung around with me she got bullied a little too. We ended up skipping school on a regular basis and obviously failed all our GCSE's.
After leaving school we both had a rough time trying to get jobs and ended up living day by day but not knowing how we managed to make it through. When I was 17 me and Claire were walking down to the chip shop with her little brother, it was good Friday, and this group of lasses thought it would be funny to attack me, after that I had to go through a series of tests and operations on my left ear in which resulted me to having my left ear drum removed over my 21st birthday! Hospitals take forever trying to solve problems with there patients.
At the begging of this year I had a really rough time, I left the home I was living in due to my depression and I am pretty sure neither of my mates could cope with me much longer, so there I was homeless for 3 months, I lost my job after 1 year and 6 months of working there and a very unfair dismissal. I was at an all time low and drank my self stupid just so the pain was not with me any more. I was travelling back and forth between Keighley, Shipley and Blackpool staying at friends and family's houses and at one point I was at the point in ending everything with a bottle of southern comfort and 16 anadin extra tablets, and so I started trying to figure out a way to get my life sorted, and my call came, when my sister and her partner moved out of my mums house I was able to move in so there I got settled. Through out the time spent in a slumber of drunkenness I wrote a series of poems to help me get it out, through time I will be posting some on here for you all to read.
Thanks to my wonderful sister I came through and stopped drinking, she said to me "your my sister, I love you with all my heart and I do not want to loose the bond with you like I feel I have lost with mum", now coming from Shelley, who does not talk emotions to anyone, That pulled me through, I knew I had to change and change quick before I lost her.
Well now I'm 23, I'm coping well with only one working ear, I still drink on occasion but not over the top, I have a fantastic partner that loves me and I love him so much too, I think? ha ha kidding, of course I love him. On top off all that, we are moving, finally going to get my own home and a dog too, I so can not wait to get a dog!!!!
I am excited about meeting my niece, Natalie Frayer Taylor, who is due the 26th December which is a wonderful Christmas present. My life is looking so much brighter, I still suffer from depression which bothers Joel quite allot seeing as how he is the one that takes all the brunt of it. I really do feel sorry for him, when I am having a good day, I tell him all the time that I love him. OK so nearly all the time ha ha. But honestly, I really do not know how or why he copes with all the crap I give him! I tell him constantly that he deserves better but he does not listen to a word I say.x
That's all I have for now, I shall be posting one of my poems on shortly.x Take care all, till next time.xx
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