Being Deaf.........

Some people forget about deafness, Take me for instance, I am deaf in my left ear, you wouldnt think it too look at me, here lies the problem, just because you can not see a problem in front of you does not mean it aint there.

Talking about my deafness was brought to my attention a couple of days ago, I recently started talking to another lady that is also deaf and it dawned on me that I never talk about my deafness, I never get asked about it so I never talk about it, the people around me do make fun of me when I mis heard what they had said to me, I always thought yea that bothers me but oh well and I quickly just dropped it but now (I don't know if it my emotions being all stupid from the pregnancy) but now I feel like crap, I feel like people should care and ask me questions on how being deaf makes me feel, ask me how I feel when they make fun of me, I am not stupid, I know they do not mean no harm by it but consider in the fact I am a very sensitive person any ways, I just wish people would stop and think some times.

So I wrote a poem today, hope it helps people to understand that not everyone is what they seem :-) but it does not mean they aint as good as everyone else :-).........................

Huh? Hmm? Eh? What?
Give that another shot.
I missed what you said.
Please repeat.
I didn’t get that.
I beg your pardon, say that again.

Speak louder, speak slower.
Excuse me? Pardon me?
I couldn’t hear you,
I didn’t hear what you said,
I don’t understand.

I’m sorry, run that by me again.

When will you learn,

When will you care,

When will it sink in,

When will you see,

When will you know

How much your hurting me.

When will you realise

That  I can not hear you,

You need to speak louder,

You need to speak clearer,

I need you to face me,

So I don’t miss hear you.

Please don’t laugh,

Please don’t make fun,

I can’t help this,

It makes me glum,

Please be respectful, honest and true,

This is all I’ll ever ask from you.

At Long Last.....

Well my saying I'll post at least once a week didnt pan out but in fairness to me I have been really busy, Joel and I finally got a house so we have been moving and we only got the internet put on yesturday so I do have a valid excuse hahaha.

Alot has happened (as it tends to when I do not report on here often), on the 14th of Feb I found out I am pregnant with our second Baby, Joel and I are excited though the following weeks from finding out have been horrible, I am suffering quite bad with sickness and tiredness with this pregnancy.

Charlie has been really hard work too which has not helped me at all.

Moving in to the new house was really good, Joel and Chris did all the work while I basically sat on my butt and made the brews and did a little bit of unpacking.

Since moving in to this house I have not had hardly any energy to do anything, I know it annoys people that I don't make an effort but right now I couldn't care less, I feel like crap so I'm not going to run around everywere and do everything everyone wants me to do!

Today Charlie has just been so much hard work, he has been really clingy and screaming and crying all day, he has been driving me around the bend. I noticed yesturday whilst changing him that his tummy and back is covered in tiny red spots, I did the glass check and thats all fine so I called on a few people and they all said the same thing, Chicken pox, What gets me is that it is only on his tummy and back so I am not too sure, I don't know if his mood is attached to these spots but I have had just about enough of his mood today.

Any who I am too stressed out to type any more now so now I'm back online I can post often again.x

Night people.x

Screw This for a Lump of Lard....

These last few days have been horrendous, Lets start from Friday shall we...

Friday: all in all was a good day, had a nice quite day / night, Charlie went off to stay with his Grandad Keith, Joel and I went to do a few bits that needed doing before we went up to Sam's house for a few drinks which I really had a good night there, Sam was wonderful to talk to and bought a pizza for her and I to share which was really nice of her.
 Joel Also phoned Manningham Housing AGAIN this day and they said they will be making the decisions start of to mid this week so hopefully we are still in with a chance.

Saturday: I woke to some really sad news from my sister, I was aware that my mum had been trying to ring me but at 10am on a Saturday morning after a night of drinking wine I was not ready to wake, that was until my sister text me soon after my mum had tried ringing me, Joel read the text which said and I quote "have you heard about Rory's dad, he passed away suddenly yesterday" Joel told me what the text said and me blurry eyed and still abit worse for wear went "your f**kin joking" I grabbed the phone and rang my mum who confirmed it (for those unaware, Rory is my mums boyfriend), I was heartbroken, I could not stop crying, More for Rory than Ian (Rory's dad) I got on really well with Ian and I certainly thought a lot of him but I did not know him long enough to actually know him, it is hard for me to believe that Ian and I was talking on facebook just a couple of days before.
Later that day I went up to see Rory and my Mum, took up a card and a box of chocolates (I've never had a death so close to me before so I didn't know what to do) Rory was in a right state, this is when I found out that it was around 6pm on the Friday evening that Ian died suddenly (we think heart attack) Rory and mum and left a half hour (ish) before this happened, and had just gotten home and put the fish and chips in the oven to warm up when they got the call, Josh (11 years old and Rory's little brother) had been sitting down to tea with Ian when Ian suddenly fell to the floor, poor Josh phoned for an ambulance and they talked him through how to do CPR on his dad, when the paramedics arrived Josh (bear in mind he is 11 years old) phoned his mum who came down and who then phone Rory who then went down too, it was just so sudden.

I still am struggling to get my head around the whole situation, I do not know who to process the fact that some one can die so suddenly and it scares me so much as my grandad is really ill and I am petrified that someone is going to be ringing me about him next.

Sunday: was a fairly quite day, I got up to utter piece and quite, Chris had taken Charlie to town, Joel had made me a nice cuppa and a cig, it was blissfully quite, for 20 Min's, then they came home, Charlie was all happy that he got to walk around rather than be pushed around in his pram. They had been back from town for a good half hour or so when Chris got up and pulled and Argos bag out from under the pram and passed it to me, I looked blankly at him thinking why have you passed me your shopping, he said open it, so I did, inside the bag was a Kindle E Reader, I was ecstatic, so happy, I actually said "OMG you never did" hahaha I can not believe he had gone out and bought me a Kindle, they are expensive at £90!
I went round to see Claire and David it was fairly late but I went for a cuppa to show off my new Kindle, David's friend Scott is staying there AGAIN and he was rather mean to me, he was really rude and I was annoyed that no one stuck up for me, I come home complaining to Joel about the attitude I got from both Scott and David while I was there, I asked for a second brew and Dave said no your going home and I said well I have come round to see my best mate next time shall I not bother and wait for her to come see me and Dave said yes that would be most appreciated, I was so angry and felt so unwelcome by my own brother and Claire did not say anything to him about him talking to me like that and she is supposed to be my mate! 

Monday: it has been an eventful day today, Charlie has been hard work towards me all weekend and today was no different, he has been a little shit, I know that is an awful thing to say about my little lad but he has, with everyone else around him he has been all hugs and smiles but me, he has been horrible, smacking me, screaming at me and playing up so much so I had to go and sit in the kitchen just so he would be good, it breaks my heart when he acts like this towards me as I am the one that feeds him, changes him, puts him to bed and sings songs to him before I lay him down, yes I do tell him off more than anyone else which wont help my case, especially when I am been contradicted over everything I do with him but no one stands by me and says "hang on a minute, she is his mother, it is her right to tell him off and no one give him cuddles after or pays him attention or tells him she is a mean mummy" so on and so forth but no as per I am the one left to be the bad guy, the one that punishes for no apparent reason!
Claire rang me today to ask me if she could leave her House key with me so Scott could get in to her house after he finished work as her and Dave were going out, I was in town so I couldn't do it but now sat here typing up my weekend I am Glad I couldn't (sorry Claire if you read this) but after the way I was spoken to last night I feel why should I do a favour when I have not even had an apology from anyone about it, it was bang out of order and uncalled for, people wonder why I avoid my family like the plague, well now you know why!

It has taken me 3 and a half hours (as Charlie goes to bed at 9pm) to get the little sod to sleep, I am physically and emotionally drained after such a horrible weekend, I need a Holiday!

Going now to do my facebook games before I go to bed.x

Night.x

What a great day.......

Today has been an excellent day, Charlie has made us all laugh with his face pulling, he is such a beautiful little boy, I woke up this morning and came downstairs to find that Joel and Chris had cut Charlies hair, no more curls, on the plus side at least he looks like a little boy now hahaha, Charlie has been very windy haha burping and trumping all over the place, every time he burped I called him a piggy monster and today he started spinning round in a circle saying "puddy" meaning of course "piggy" lol, he has just recently started the whole spinning thing in the last couple of days, I have no idea were he has picked it up from but it is very cute and I can not help but laugh at him when he spins too much and falls on his bum lol.

Joel and I have been getting on loads better, I love him so much and I always will, he is my rock and I do not know what I would do without him, tonight I was jabbing him in the sides and in his man boobs (hahahaha moobs) and he says to me "whats with all the violence" me been me said it out right "I am trying to get some attention" hahaha so that was it he started saying attention hey is that what you want and he pulled me over his knees and lifted up my top slightly and started blowing raspberries on my tummy and tickling me, I couldn't breath with laughter, it went on from there with play fighting and tickling and me been weired and pretending to suck on his nipples (over his t-shirt)  and making slurping  noises hahaha he says I'm a strange creature hahahaha gorra love him though, I have not laughed so hard in a while so it has made my day.

Still no word on housing front but I do not wanna depress my self so i wont go to much in to it because I'm on a high at the minute.x

I have had a fair few quite periods today too which has been lovely, Chris and Joel went to Asda for some bits of food and Charlie was in bed so I enjoyed the piece and quite for a while, and again later Joel went up for a nap and Chris went to his room to listen to his music so it was me and Charlie downstairs, Charlie was a blessing, he was watching the Disney Junior channel (his fave channel) and he had seen me get up to get his blanket so I could lay on sofa and wrap up as I was a bit cold, he comes trotting over to me and tries pulling his blanket from me so I lifted him up and tucked him up to me under the blanket and we laid there watching Mickey Mouse Club House and Special Agent Oso, it is the first time that he has come to lay with me for a long period of time, I was chuffed to bits he stayed there for 45 minutes just stroking my face while watching telly with me, bear in mind he is 17 months old in 2 days lol.x

I love my Charlie to bits, Joel and Charlie are the best things ever to happen to me, I am so proud of both of them and look forward to many more happy years with them.x

Good night for now.xx xx

Sometimes...........

Sometimes I wish that Joel, Charlie and I were just that, Joel, Charlie and I, I feel like I wish we didn't know anyone else at all in this world sometimes.  If it was just Joel, Charlie and I then we wouldn't have anyone dictating how to do things, what we do with our lives and how to live our lives, we wouldn't have to put up with crap from other people, Joel and I would be lovers and best friends forever and ever without any interference what so ever from anyone else and be free to raise our little boy how we wanted.

Things are really getting me down (as you can tell) but most of all is the sad reality of things, we are still non the wiser about a house as the stupid housing association have postponed their decision making on the houses, we will not find out now till next week, I am so annoyed that nothing seems to be going in the right direction, people say have faith in the new year, new year new start and such like well I say screw you new year you done nowt but annoy the crap out of me!

Secondly I am drastically putting on weight ( it may be still to early to tell but so far I can safely say I'm not pregnant) I think the depression of been stuck in a rut and not knowing what the hell is going to happen is making me feel the need to comfort eat and as I do not get out much I am pretty much a couch potato!

My Little Fella is full of cold again, he was playing with his cousin Natalie when she was full of cold so naturally he caught it (as he has a weak immune system it was bound to happen), you may be thinking "well you know he is poorly and can get ill very quick so why do you not protect him from other people with colds"? well I'll answer, I do what I need to do to keep my family going and I had to go help one of my ladies in my Avon team, I could not take Charlie with me as he was asleep when I had to go so I called on my sister to come to me and sit in with him.

It is funny me feeling like I have to constantly explain my self to every one, I do with my so called family too, I can do nothing right for anyone especially when it concerns my OWN son! I do not know what I did in my past life to suffer so much misery in this one but I'm telling you what ever it was I'm so frigging sorry!

I do wish Joel would be a bit more tactful when talking to me because he makes me feel worse about my self, saying I have blown everything out of proportion and I personally do not think I have, at the end of the day I will not be told by some one else how to behave or how to live my life, I am me and if no one likes me for who I am then that is there problem, I have said it before and I'll say it again,  I will not change for anyone but my self!

I do my up most best for my son, I would flipping die for him, he is my world and universe all rolled up into one little boy so anyone dare so much as hint towards saying I am not raising him correctly and you wont know what has flipping hit you! It is no ones right to tell Joel and I how to raise our son, we do what we feel is the best way. At the end of the day it is our prerogative as Charlie's parents to raise him how we see fit, it is not like he is a unhappy little boy, its not like we starve him or don't play with him, we do everything we can to teach him from right and wrong, he has everything he could ever ask for and much more! I would never dream of telling someone how they should raise their children so I expect no one to be telling me how to raise my Child!

If only life were so much simpler then I could be happier, I hate feeling the way I do, I hate feeling like everyone is out to get me and hurt me, I hate all the shit I had in my past because it has made me really paranoid about people, it has made me so I can not trust people to easy, I feel everyone will let me down.

I miss my Uncle John, he used to be there for me all the time, he was my best friend and helped me deal with the crap in my life, he was my shoulder to cry on and now since I met Joel nearly 3 years ago, my Uncle has not been around, he feels that now I have Joel I have some one else I can rely on but I don't, do not get me wrong, Joel is wonderful (when he ain't pissing me off) but he does not understand what I am going through there fore is no help to me at all, I want my Uncle back in my life I need him back in my life, I feel so lost without him, so scared and I don't know what to do.
It ain't like I can ring him as his wife hates me, I think she felt threatened by me, which makes me so frigging angry as it ain't like I'm gunna shack up with my frigging UNCLE for god sake, he is a wonderful man who knows what I have been through and what I am still going through so if she wants to be so frigging sick and pathetic then so be it but she can do it without taking away my best friend!

I feel really sad and depressed and have no one to talk to, I do not know any more, I keep going because of my gorgeous little man but it is difficult to remove all these horrible feelings from inside me, even more so when I feel like Joel don't even care about me!
Anyways, I have had enough for tonight now. I'm gunna go for a cig then bed I think! Ha great ending that lol CIG another thing Joel and I regularly get told of for doing! you would not think that Joel is 28 and I am 25 the way we get treat!

Night peeps.xxx

OH My Lord......

Joel will be ringing the housing people tomorrow to find out why we still have not been given a house, it has become really irritating now that they are taking there sweet time getting us a place to live and not accepting our applications for the house's we are bidding on, so much for been high priority huh! so more on the house hunting in the next few days.

I was informed yesterday by my friend Sam that she will be moving up in my area in like 5 weeks time so I am really excited about that, not only will I have a wonderful friend to see and hang out with but also Charlie will have a play buddy to grow up with and hopefully they will be really good friends, I hope so because Logan is a lovely boy who has a lovely mummy.x

I really can not wait for May, it is taking far too long now and it is taking so long because I am excited bout it, I mean Jeez what does it take for a girl to get what she wants around here!

Talking of getting what one wants, I asked Joel like 10 Min's ago to make me a coffee and he said in a minute and he still sat on his back side playing on the xbox! So bleeding annoying hahahahaha.

I Have hurt my wrist on my left hand side too so it is making it mightily difficult to type without hurting my self, Before anyone asks no i have not been "playing" with myself or anyone else, I sleep cuddling up to my doggy teddy and I hold his paw to fall asleep, last night I don't think I moved much which explains why my wrist is very sore and keeps clicking the bones together, hurts like mad, I went to the pound shop today to buy a wrist support and left the shop got the support out and it was miles too big (considering it was a size Medium) so for the first time ever I returned it back to the pound shop and got my £1 back lol, sad I know but I'm absolutely broke and can't afford to be chucking a £1 away.
Will have to go get one tomorrow though as my wrist is really bad and I can not take the pain much more, Joel keeps telling me to take some pain killers but I wont, possibly because on some level the pain makes me feel something!

I would never do anything to purposely hurt my self but if I have pain I'll put up with it for as long as I can as then I know I am alive and not just Living if you know what I mean! I went 3 days with a really bad headache last week and eye strain in my right eye before I took any pain killers hahahaha.x

Charlie is full of cold, he caught it from his cousin Natalie, I needed a baby sitter for an hour and our Shelley was the only person available so she came up with Natalie and obviously due to Charlies weak immune system he is highly prone to catching anything and everything from everyone so naturally he now has this cold and is a right nightmare!

What to do...........

Today it is a nice peaceful quite day, My little lad is stopping out for the night (yes he is 16 months old) he is at his Grandad Keith's and Auntie Fran's. So I'm having a well deserved rest, He is getting loads better when it comes to his slapping, I say nice hands to him and he strokes my face, he is such a little cutie pie. His paddying is still a bit over the top but I can not help but laugh at his little face the way he screams and stops then screams and stops and so on and so forth lol, he is so funny.

As for getting a house, we were supposed to here Yesterday if we got a house (as a load of new builds have come up for rent) this is the second lot that has come available and for the second time we have been turned down, we are still living in 1 bedroom at a friends house and have been here since the end of October, it is getting bleeding ridiculous now and really need our own home. Joel is phoning the housing people on Monday and telling them how it is, if they still refuse us a house quickly then we are taking it to the MP as we are sick of been messed about, we are in a situation that is certainly not suitable for Joel, Charlie and I and as we are on High Priority on the housing list we should have been given a house by now.

On a happier note, my Canadian friend Amanda has booked her tickets to come over and visit me in May, she will arrive on the 2nd of May and I so can not wait for her to get here, she is a really good friend and I can not wait to meet her, I have known her on the Internet for 9 years and I finally get the chance to meet her.

Any way I am really tired so I think I'll go down for a nap, I know it is only 6pm but I need the sleep.x

Night peeps.x

Ho Hum.......

I think I have a thing for depressing my self, I have no idea why I do certain things that I know are going to upset me and make me feel shit and insecure about my relationship with Joel. It seems to me that some people have issues with me and not talk to me personally about them, that is their choice and I will never enforce the issue but at least I now know!

I will never understand why it bothers me so much seeing messages to Joel from other girls from long ago, It don't help matters that Joel openly tells me that he had a "fuck buddy" when he met me and that he has been out with such and such and so on and so forth, which also makes me feel like shit. Not only that he is still extremely good mates with some and even though I know nothing will ever happen I still feel extremely shit cuz these lovely ladies are really good looking.

And as 2 really horrible people once said (behind my back and I quote the following) "she is an ugly fucker with minging teeth, has she never heard of a tooth brush, I'm surprised he is going out with her any way, he must be desperate for a shag if he does THAT! but he probably puts a bag over her head so he don't have to look at it" (quote ends) a few of the other lovely comments made by these horrid people are "cant believe I let her hug me, I had to wash my clothes for a whole week before they came fully clean", "no amount of plastic surgery will ever sort that face out" and "I thought she was a lesbian anyways"!!!!!

I know it is daft to feel this way over it considering he is with me and only me but after everything I have been through (and I know some people feel like my past should not be affecting me still) it bloody hurts me, I have issues about my self and I find it extremely hard to trust people.
It is extremely hard for me to get out of this depression and move on with my life.

If people actually knew every single bit of information about me maybe they would understand why I am the way I am, but I am not ready to discuss certain things in full detail yet, I am not ready for the world to know exactly how "damaged" I am! I have let people in to clips and snips of my past but not the full hogging story!

I hate feeling this insecure and I wish there was a way for me to change but I am who I am and I do not understand why people bother with me if they do not like me for who I am.

I am so upset that this is probably not making the slightest bit of sense but that's they way it is, it is my blog to help me get things out of my head and I can look back at it at a later date to see if I can't solve any issues! or maybe just to have a giggle at some of the things I come out with, who knows!

I just do not understand why some people can be so cruel, the quotes above are from like 2 years ago but looking back at them makes me feel like turd and like I am not worthy of having a wonderful man in my life, I feel like I should free Joel to go on with his life without been tied down to me!

Which brings me to another message I read! (I know I'm a frigging idiot) Joel was e-mailing his "ex fuck buddy" back in November last year and she had said "ain't you getting married" Joel replied "no had to abandon the plans as too skint" in which she replied "ahhhhh" and he replied back with "its fine at least I don't have to pay out a fortune for one day now!", Joel I know you will read this and that FUCKING HURT ME to read that, if you do not want to marry me then don't, just fuck off stringing me along on a pretence that you do wanna fucking marry me!

I have had enough for one night, Good night world.x

Aaaarrrgggggghhhhhhhhh

Today has been rather a difficult day, my little man has been a real nightmare, he has been constantly screaming, hitting and playing up big time, I have put him to bed an hour early tonight as he was starting to do my head in, I know this is awful to say as he is only 16 months old but I have just had enough for today.

He went with his Auntie Fran for a few hours today as his Grandad has just got back from Australia from a 3 and a half week holiday so she took Charlie with her to pick Keith up from the airport, Charlie apparently created badly with her too so it made me all the more annoyed and to top it off he didn't eat any breakfast or dinner but thankfully ate plenty of tea.

He created so bad with getting dressed this morning to having his bum changed through out the day and getting in to his PJ's this evening, So much creation has created in him getting a tap on the legs from Auntie Fran as Charlie persisted on kicking her all the time.

I can not wait for him to get of this temper tantrum stage as it is driving me mad and I have had enough, people keep telling me to ignore him and keep calm when he gets like that but any mother will know that this is rather difficult to do. I do try my best to ignore him but it makes me hurt inside to listen to him scream the way he does and also makes me mad that he screams so badly when no one has done anything to make him scream!

I hope tomorrow will be a better day regarding Charlie!

On an other note Charlie appeared in Pick Me Up magazine a while back and won the sleeping cuties competition, I'm happy to report after many emails of complaints to them I finally received the prize money of £50 in form of a cheque last week so I will be cashing that in on Monday so I am happy about that.

I went to see my mate yesterday, she is having a lot of bad luck at the minute with really bad tooth ache and been disrespected in her own home by her Fiance (which I'm ashamed to admit that he is my brother on occasion). I wish things would go right for her for once so that she can get back to her old happy self as it is rather depressing and upsetting to see her this way.

I can not wait to get my own home as I am sick of living with a house full of people and having to clean up all the disgusting things I keep finding, it is not my responsibility to be doing such jobs and I resent doing it. I am extremely grateful to be given a roof over my head, Chris has been a fantastic friend to us by putting us up and giving up his bedroom for us, he has put him self out so much for us so I don't like to grumble but I only have 1 son not 4. Also when it concerns my son it should be my responsibility to deal with him how I see fit but I don't even have that option.

I hope we have a bit of good luck in the near future when it concerns getting reholmed because I really am at the end of my tether with all of this, I feel like I am going back in to depression and I certainly do not want to go there as it took me a hell of a lot of effort trying to get out of it, I still struggle from time to time with my depression and I take it out on Joel, I am so flipping lucky to have such a sexy, wonderful, caring man in my life that supports me and understands my struggles with my self and my struggles that I seem to be developing regarding raising Charlie correctly. I really do not know what I would do with out Joel, he is my rock and my world.

I think I'll leave now and stop boring you all with my nonsense rambling!

Its Funny....

I think it is highly interesting at what actually goes on in and around our world, some people take this world and life for granted and do not take the time to appreciate the quality's that the Earth holds for us and all the things around the Earth too, looking up at the sky on a clear dark night always gets me, I have spent so much time this last 2 weeks when out for a cig looking at the sky and I noticed on 3 of the nights this cluster of stars, I was really fascinated by it as I have never seen stars so close together before.

On the note of the whole universe though, it all does scare me a little bit as I read an article about how when stars die they leave a black hole, firstly I never knew stars could die and secondly if they leave a black hole would that mean that eventually if enough stars died and created a HUGE black hole would that then suck in our Earth and destroy us or suck in any other planets.

Another one of my fascinations is lost city's, I read a story in Pick Me Up mag once about this woman who found a Church under her house, the church was not all there any more but it had more than 65% of the walls still there and a few windows, I was gob smacked, I bet if we dug deep enough we could find all sorts buried from like millions and millions of years ago.

I often hear the most unusual story's ever and have literally just come across another (via my wonderful Canadian Friend Amanda) basically people are saying Aliens exist, personally I have always taken the view that just because you can't see it don't mean it don't exist! so watch this 15 minute video clip on U Tube and tell me what you make of it as I am interested to hear other peoples thoughts on this subject .............. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GZ2ZcmMxehk&noredirect=1

just copy and paste this in to your task bar at the top and watch away its a little freaky lol.x

Random Thoughts.......

I often find my self having too much time on my hands, I therefore end up having random thoughts occur in my mind.

Take today for instance, this afternoon I was wondering aloud to Joel about what happens to bees and wasps in the winter seasons, I for one do not think they die during the winter due to having a huge chuffing beast of a wasp in the house just a few days ago, were as Joel thinks they die and only the queen bee / wasp lives through?

Also I was just stood out side having a cig and watching the sky (while noting that it was half past 4pm and I had seen 2 stars in the sky) the clouds are moving perticularyly fast and having remembering a previous statement made by Joel about how fast the Earth moves it occured to me that we are basically on a huge roundabout! It supprises me that we dunt all have mass dizzy spells, the kind you get when you do actually go on a round about and you go that fast that you feel light headed, sick, dizzy or what ever. I wonder why that is?

I have recently been extreamly curious about our universe, what is out there? how far does it expand? What is going on past our Ozone Layer?
It has been noted that there are other planets out side our Ozone, I read an article online recently that there is thought to be another Earth out there with a sun close by like ours and if this is actually the case then in theory there is living people on the planet and living things just like we have.

I feel a little disappointed that if this article is correct and they do find out that there is actually another planet just like ours, that we are never ever gunna know what actually lives there and if there is people on that planet like us we are never actually going to be able to meet them. All this of course is due t how many million light years away this planet is!

Well this was actually ment to be a quick short post that got me rambling too much so I do apologise lol, if anyone else has any weird and wonderful thoughts of the day they would like to share please comment below as I would love to know what other people think about.x

God Bless All.x

Ain't Life Grand....

For the last 2 weeks Joel, Charlie and I have been stopping at Joel's dad's house "cat sitting" it has been lovely to get time to our self's again though not in our own home, I have enjoyed the peice and normality of life with just my little family.
Joel and I took Charlie to Eureka on the 12th January, I think it was more for mine and Joels benefit more than Charlie's, saying that Charlie had a lovely time, he was able to run around and touch what ever he wanted, he loved the freedom of the day out. I didnt want to miss a moment of logging memories of Charlie so I had my camera at hand and was snapping away like a mad woman, I even got Joel to take a few pictures of me stood with Charlie. Below are a few of the good Pictures that we took on our family day out.......

 Charlie looking JUST like his daddy!!^^^^^^^^^^

 Mummy and Charlie, Sorry I look a bit weird in this one as trying to get Charlie to Laugh or at least smile lol.x ^^^^^^^^^^^^

 Charlie got a bit fed up of climbing up the tounge (yes I mean the kind in your mouth lol) so he decided to lay down and lick it instead.x ^^^^^^^

 Daddy and Charlie pretending they are DJ's controlling the lighting on the dance floor!^^^^^^^^^^^^

Charlie did not want to entertain me at all, he just wanted to play. ^^^^^^^^.

It was a fantastic day out though I did get annoyed at Joel for going off on his own all the time to play with the things available in Eureka and leaving me to tend to Charlie who would not do as he was told!
Other than that though I def can not wait to go back, that way I might actually get a look in to what is actually available lol.x

Thats all for now.x

To Much Thinking......

I have been sat thinking about my poor boy who was so ill at Christmas 2010, he was 3 months old, I feel so guilty in the fact he was soo poorly, I was adamant that I was not going to be one of them mums that took their children to the doctors over every tiny bit of something wrong and because I didnt it resulted in my son spending 3 weeks in hospital because he was so poorly.
We nearly lost him twice while he was ill, his Oxygen levels were dramatically low and he was loosing weight.
It started on the 12th December 2010 we realised he was starting to go a funny kind of grey colour, so we took him in to hospital, they kept him in over night for obsivation but let us go first thing on the 13th of December.
He got worse during the day, constantly throwing up and struggling to breath, he was always sleeping and not moving a right lot so come the evening of the 13th we took him back in to hospital, there we stayed for the nect 2 weeks, spending our first Christmas as a family together by his hospital crib.
Looking back it was not a bad day even tho my poor boo was ill, he has suffered 2 types of Bhronchalitis (spell check here lol) the first was not contagious but the second was, he eventually and slowly started getting better, eating without throwing up, it was a long process but we got there in the end.
All the nurses knew us by sight and name (even to this day they do) as we had spent so much time on ward 17 me been 3 weeks away from my due date to this very day we are well known on the ward. As we were spending Christmas in hospital I decided to make the best out of a not so good thing and decorated our room with Xmas decorations and got a mini Xmas tree, we put the tree on the table and put all the pressies under the tree, turned out to be a fantastic Xmas in the end, especially when I found out that the nurse's had been bragging to all the other nurses about how Christmassy it was in our room and everyone kept popping in to have a nosey, which was fantastic because been stuck in  a hospitla room for 2 weeks is very lonely and boring.
Any ways on the 27th December we got let out of hospital which worked out fantastic as it was my Neice's 1st Birthday so I went up to see her, Left Joel at home with Charlie as he still was a fair bit poorly and was not really a good idea to be dragging him out in the cold.
Any ways this story aint finished with a happy ending yet as on the 2nd of January 2011 we were back in hospital with our little one again as things were not improving and his special milk he was put on was not staying down, so the hospital did yet more tests on him, this time he has (of all things) Swine Flu, this point he was 4 month old (birthdate is 3rd September) so we was in hospital for another week while he started to recover from that with all his medications. I felt and still feel really guilty, if I had reacted faster in the begining of his Illnesses none of this would have happend, If he had died I dun't think I could have lived with my self, I feel like I let him down by not taking care of him and all I could do was cry all the time.
Charlie still suffers with Bhronchalitis (spell check here lol) but now he is a happy 16 month old boy (most of the time) he is so easy going and will sit on the floor for ages looking through his books, he took some time to catch up with other babies his age in his development but now (aside from his chesty breathing) to look at him you would never know he was really poorly. He has attended over night trips a couple of times during this last year due to his breathing but nothing majour has come from it, thank the lord.

 This is Charlie now, this picture was taken at Eureka in Halifax on the 12th January 2012. My happy 16 month old boy.x I could not be prouder of my little fighter.x

So much excitement......

First of I would like to start by saying all you lovely people that look at my blog, please feel free to follow me, I'm looking a little sad with just 1 follower at the minute and it's even sadder that it is my partner that is my only follower hahaha.x
I'm really excited bout this year because a few good things are going to be happening, first of a really good friend of mine is a) having a baby, which is due the 1st of June, so excited to meet him or her and b) she is moving back up to our home town, this bit I love the most because it means now that I wont have to fight her whole family anymore for me to get to see her on her very rare visits as now she gunna be here for good WHOOOOOP.
Secondly, A wonderful young woman i met on the interent almost 9 years ago is taking the plunge and coming all the way from Canada to come meet me face to face, she will be staying with me and my partner in our home (that we shud have by the time she gets here) and she is staying for 2 to 3 weeks so im really excited about having her come stay, it been a long time coming as this perticular young lady help me realise that there are good people in this world, she helped me get through some really tough times and she has stuck by me through every second of every emotion I have had.
Thirdly (this one if for you Fran) Joel and I have decided we are going to try for another baby so Charlie can have a little brother or sister, (I personnally hope a sister lol) but we will see, I stated this one is for Fran (Joel's sister) because she is extreamly eager for Joel and I to have lots of babies, Fran is a lovely yet highly crazy woman bahahahahaha (sorry Fran) but no one can ever doubt how much she loves and cares for her family ESPECIALLY Charlie. If we do have a little girl we decided in Memory of Barbara Mary Grainger we are going to use Mary as a middle name for our little girl, this was my very own choice and when I spoke to Joel about it he was over the moon that I chose to use the name.x
Last but certinally never the least, My wonderful sister Shelley announced that she too with her partner Ryan are going to be trying for a baby so its all babies in the air round here hahahaha but im so excited as if we conceive close together it will be magical and so beautiful, I love my sister so much, she deserves a lot of happyness.x

Any ways I think I'll leave you with that for now as im shattered and it is 4am in the morning lol (my sleeping habbits have never gotten any better) hahahaha, Good night God bless.x

Poem I Wrote Joel.x

I've been touched with hands that tore my flesh,
Have been made to feel that I am trash;
I've been trod upon as if a useless rug,
And never felt the warmth of an honest hug.

Alone in my bed I've quivered, not from cold but fear.
Everywhere I went I saw their disgusting sneers;
I tried to fight, I tried to win, but always I failed,
And found myself with beasts being laid.

I've granted love, but been given hate,
At nights I've said to be "great."
I have knelt and prayed, but bootless were my cries,
It seemed that not even God could clear my eyes.

You came into my life and held my hand;
You taught me how on my feet I could stand.
You loved and never asked of the past or of now;
You simply cared and I don't know how.

You changed me, you gave me love,
You made my heart as pure as a dove.
You made me hang on, no matter what;
You've taught me to face the cold and the hot.

You saw in me not darkness but light;
You taught me how to win the fatal fight.
I love you as no woman has ever loved.

Poem I Wrote for a very good friend of mine.x

I know I promised a poem I wrote for Joel but I thought I would share this one first, I wrote this for my riend just after we got back in contact with each other, we were best friends from being babies and lost touch after my mum moved us away and now we are friends again and I am so glad we have found each other.x

Hope you all like it.x 

As childhood friends, we grew up together,
Swearing to be friends forever and ever.
Sometimes we would argue and fight,
Other times we would laugh and stay up till late at night.

We went from playing with games and toys,
To talking and dreaming about different boys.
My thoughts and feelings, to you I would confide,
Never having anything to hide.

We fell apart along the way,
I always thought you were here to stay.
Life went on, and I grew strong
But everything was all wrong.

Friends we will always remain,
Things changing, and things staying the same.
About each other, we will always care,
As we start talking through the air.
I know your life is hectic
You are busy all day through
My life is busy also
But I still think of you
Friends forever once again,
I hope this time nothing will change.
You are a person I will treasure,
Always and Forever and ever!

Just Thought I would share some pics with you all as I have just noticed today that I do actually have people looking at my page.x :-)

16 Months Down the Line.x

I'm not very good at keeping up to my Blog, but my new years reselution is to try get at least one post a week on, I am now gunna rant and rave about anything that is everything, I'll talk of my struggles and worrys of motherhood and of every day life, I hope I do not bore you all stupid.x

Well it has been 16 months since I last posted (there or there abouts) My son Charlie is now 16 months old and is a right little man, he runs me ragged, it has been a really difficult ride with Charlie, when he was 3 months old it was his first Christmas, he was seriously ill, he had 2 types of Bhronchalitis and soon after that he had swine flu so we ended up staying 3 weeks in hospital for his first ever Christmas, it was horrible, we very nearly lost Charlie twice during his illnesses, but he pulled through, I spent many a day and night crying my eyes out but I had a select few people around me that was there for me and kept me held up (they know who they are so I wont mention names). Though these people were beyond fantastic with me I was petrified, I could not beleive that God would bless me with such a precious little thing and then take him away from me, I never dared to voice my fears of loosing Charlie because I didnt want people telling me not to be so stupid and weirdly enough I couldn't cope with people been nice to me, My wonderful farther in law often came in to see us and every time he walked through the door in to our little room I broke down, I broke down hard because I could see in his face that he was terrified of what would happen, he was trying to stay strong because he knew I couldn't be strong, as I write this down remembering all of this it has brought tears to my eyes, Keith if you ever read this I thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything you did for me, I thank you so much, you are a god send and im so honoured to have you in my life.x
Since his majour illness he has come on in leaps and bounds he is just like any other child his age but on medications (even now to this very day) but he gets by and is a happy smiley little lad.
We currently live at a friends house after been evicted from our old house due to having a dog and even though nothing was wrote in the half an A4 sheet of paper of a tenency agreement about not having pets we had to leave, we have been living with a friend and his 2 sons for over 2 months now and it is extreamly difficult, Charlie, Joel and I are having to share a bedroom which gives us no alone time, and sitting downstairs with everyone around alot is even really difficult because there is no privacy, so needless to say I am rather frustrated, please dont get me wrong, im so unbelivably grateful to have such a wonderful friend that has taken us in and given up his bedroom for us to use but I really want my own place again, with privacy were we can shut the world out and enjoy time just as a family.
We no longer have our beloved Doggy Eva, we had to reholme her due to living at a friends house and I miss her daily.x
There is a fair few issues I still suffer with in my own personal self but most of it has been hidden away and is not bothering me so much any more, though I have gone through more downs than ups since I last spoke on here I have been better able to handle them due to having such wonderful friends and family and of course Joel whome I love with all my heart, if it were not for him I can honestly say I wouldnt be here today.x
I am still extreamly paranoid, I often think that Joel's siblings do not like me, like im not a good enough person to be around, I spent alot of time looking after Barbara when I met Joel, I never knew her before her illness kicked in but I grew attatched to her, she needed looking after and needed so much attention I formed a ver serial bond with her and now that she has gone in to a home perminantly I feel rather upset at the fact no one ever asks me if I would like to go see Barbara at her home, They always tell me because of Joel and Charlie, I am part of the family but if that is true then why do I not get treat like part of the family (not including Keith in this) but no one invites me to nights out or to go see Barbara or anything, I do get invited to go to the house for lunch but thats it, not to sound like im a jelous cow but Naomi (Joel's brother's new wife) gets treat like family, long before she married in to the family she got treat like family, I mean for god's sake I gave them a new generation to the Grainger family and still nothing! It has really upset me and yes I have spoke to Joel about it and he tells me its nothing to do with likes and dislikes but I say plerghhh, if they dunt like me thats their choice but I'd rather know than not know.x
Over the next few days (when i have a spare 10 mins) I'll be gracing you with a poem I wrote for Joel before I even knew him.x
Rant over for now :-)
So for now I grace you all good night and Happy New Year.x