Ho Hum.......

I think I have a thing for depressing my self, I have no idea why I do certain things that I know are going to upset me and make me feel shit and insecure about my relationship with Joel. It seems to me that some people have issues with me and not talk to me personally about them, that is their choice and I will never enforce the issue but at least I now know!

I will never understand why it bothers me so much seeing messages to Joel from other girls from long ago, It don't help matters that Joel openly tells me that he had a "fuck buddy" when he met me and that he has been out with such and such and so on and so forth, which also makes me feel like shit. Not only that he is still extremely good mates with some and even though I know nothing will ever happen I still feel extremely shit cuz these lovely ladies are really good looking.

And as 2 really horrible people once said (behind my back and I quote the following) "she is an ugly fucker with minging teeth, has she never heard of a tooth brush, I'm surprised he is going out with her any way, he must be desperate for a shag if he does THAT! but he probably puts a bag over her head so he don't have to look at it" (quote ends) a few of the other lovely comments made by these horrid people are "cant believe I let her hug me, I had to wash my clothes for a whole week before they came fully clean", "no amount of plastic surgery will ever sort that face out" and "I thought she was a lesbian anyways"!!!!!

I know it is daft to feel this way over it considering he is with me and only me but after everything I have been through (and I know some people feel like my past should not be affecting me still) it bloody hurts me, I have issues about my self and I find it extremely hard to trust people.
It is extremely hard for me to get out of this depression and move on with my life.

If people actually knew every single bit of information about me maybe they would understand why I am the way I am, but I am not ready to discuss certain things in full detail yet, I am not ready for the world to know exactly how "damaged" I am! I have let people in to clips and snips of my past but not the full hogging story!

I hate feeling this insecure and I wish there was a way for me to change but I am who I am and I do not understand why people bother with me if they do not like me for who I am.

I am so upset that this is probably not making the slightest bit of sense but that's they way it is, it is my blog to help me get things out of my head and I can look back at it at a later date to see if I can't solve any issues! or maybe just to have a giggle at some of the things I come out with, who knows!

I just do not understand why some people can be so cruel, the quotes above are from like 2 years ago but looking back at them makes me feel like turd and like I am not worthy of having a wonderful man in my life, I feel like I should free Joel to go on with his life without been tied down to me!

Which brings me to another message I read! (I know I'm a frigging idiot) Joel was e-mailing his "ex fuck buddy" back in November last year and she had said "ain't you getting married" Joel replied "no had to abandon the plans as too skint" in which she replied "ahhhhh" and he replied back with "its fine at least I don't have to pay out a fortune for one day now!", Joel I know you will read this and that FUCKING HURT ME to read that, if you do not want to marry me then don't, just fuck off stringing me along on a pretence that you do wanna fucking marry me!

I have had enough for one night, Good night world.x