Sometimes...........

Sometimes I wish that Joel, Charlie and I were just that, Joel, Charlie and I, I feel like I wish we didn't know anyone else at all in this world sometimes.  If it was just Joel, Charlie and I then we wouldn't have anyone dictating how to do things, what we do with our lives and how to live our lives, we wouldn't have to put up with crap from other people, Joel and I would be lovers and best friends forever and ever without any interference what so ever from anyone else and be free to raise our little boy how we wanted.

Things are really getting me down (as you can tell) but most of all is the sad reality of things, we are still non the wiser about a house as the stupid housing association have postponed their decision making on the houses, we will not find out now till next week, I am so annoyed that nothing seems to be going in the right direction, people say have faith in the new year, new year new start and such like well I say screw you new year you done nowt but annoy the crap out of me!

Secondly I am drastically putting on weight ( it may be still to early to tell but so far I can safely say I'm not pregnant) I think the depression of been stuck in a rut and not knowing what the hell is going to happen is making me feel the need to comfort eat and as I do not get out much I am pretty much a couch potato!

My Little Fella is full of cold again, he was playing with his cousin Natalie when she was full of cold so naturally he caught it (as he has a weak immune system it was bound to happen), you may be thinking "well you know he is poorly and can get ill very quick so why do you not protect him from other people with colds"? well I'll answer, I do what I need to do to keep my family going and I had to go help one of my ladies in my Avon team, I could not take Charlie with me as he was asleep when I had to go so I called on my sister to come to me and sit in with him.

It is funny me feeling like I have to constantly explain my self to every one, I do with my so called family too, I can do nothing right for anyone especially when it concerns my OWN son! I do not know what I did in my past life to suffer so much misery in this one but I'm telling you what ever it was I'm so frigging sorry!

I do wish Joel would be a bit more tactful when talking to me because he makes me feel worse about my self, saying I have blown everything out of proportion and I personally do not think I have, at the end of the day I will not be told by some one else how to behave or how to live my life, I am me and if no one likes me for who I am then that is there problem, I have said it before and I'll say it again,  I will not change for anyone but my self!

I do my up most best for my son, I would flipping die for him, he is my world and universe all rolled up into one little boy so anyone dare so much as hint towards saying I am not raising him correctly and you wont know what has flipping hit you! It is no ones right to tell Joel and I how to raise our son, we do what we feel is the best way. At the end of the day it is our prerogative as Charlie's parents to raise him how we see fit, it is not like he is a unhappy little boy, its not like we starve him or don't play with him, we do everything we can to teach him from right and wrong, he has everything he could ever ask for and much more! I would never dream of telling someone how they should raise their children so I expect no one to be telling me how to raise my Child!

If only life were so much simpler then I could be happier, I hate feeling the way I do, I hate feeling like everyone is out to get me and hurt me, I hate all the shit I had in my past because it has made me really paranoid about people, it has made me so I can not trust people to easy, I feel everyone will let me down.

I miss my Uncle John, he used to be there for me all the time, he was my best friend and helped me deal with the crap in my life, he was my shoulder to cry on and now since I met Joel nearly 3 years ago, my Uncle has not been around, he feels that now I have Joel I have some one else I can rely on but I don't, do not get me wrong, Joel is wonderful (when he ain't pissing me off) but he does not understand what I am going through there fore is no help to me at all, I want my Uncle back in my life I need him back in my life, I feel so lost without him, so scared and I don't know what to do.
It ain't like I can ring him as his wife hates me, I think she felt threatened by me, which makes me so frigging angry as it ain't like I'm gunna shack up with my frigging UNCLE for god sake, he is a wonderful man who knows what I have been through and what I am still going through so if she wants to be so frigging sick and pathetic then so be it but she can do it without taking away my best friend!

I feel really sad and depressed and have no one to talk to, I do not know any more, I keep going because of my gorgeous little man but it is difficult to remove all these horrible feelings from inside me, even more so when I feel like Joel don't even care about me!
Anyways, I have had enough for tonight now. I'm gunna go for a cig then bed I think! Ha great ending that lol CIG another thing Joel and I regularly get told of for doing! you would not think that Joel is 28 and I am 25 the way we get treat!

Night peeps.xxx