Ain't Life Grand....

For the last 2 weeks Joel, Charlie and I have been stopping at Joel's dad's house "cat sitting" it has been lovely to get time to our self's again though not in our own home, I have enjoyed the peice and normality of life with just my little family.
Joel and I took Charlie to Eureka on the 12th January, I think it was more for mine and Joels benefit more than Charlie's, saying that Charlie had a lovely time, he was able to run around and touch what ever he wanted, he loved the freedom of the day out. I didnt want to miss a moment of logging memories of Charlie so I had my camera at hand and was snapping away like a mad woman, I even got Joel to take a few pictures of me stood with Charlie. Below are a few of the good Pictures that we took on our family day out.......

 Charlie looking JUST like his daddy!!^^^^^^^^^^

 Mummy and Charlie, Sorry I look a bit weird in this one as trying to get Charlie to Laugh or at least smile lol.x ^^^^^^^^^^^^

 Charlie got a bit fed up of climbing up the tounge (yes I mean the kind in your mouth lol) so he decided to lay down and lick it instead.x ^^^^^^^

 Daddy and Charlie pretending they are DJ's controlling the lighting on the dance floor!^^^^^^^^^^^^

Charlie did not want to entertain me at all, he just wanted to play. ^^^^^^^^.

It was a fantastic day out though I did get annoyed at Joel for going off on his own all the time to play with the things available in Eureka and leaving me to tend to Charlie who would not do as he was told!
Other than that though I def can not wait to go back, that way I might actually get a look in to what is actually available lol.x

Thats all for now.x

To Much Thinking......

I have been sat thinking about my poor boy who was so ill at Christmas 2010, he was 3 months old, I feel so guilty in the fact he was soo poorly, I was adamant that I was not going to be one of them mums that took their children to the doctors over every tiny bit of something wrong and because I didnt it resulted in my son spending 3 weeks in hospital because he was so poorly.
We nearly lost him twice while he was ill, his Oxygen levels were dramatically low and he was loosing weight.
It started on the 12th December 2010 we realised he was starting to go a funny kind of grey colour, so we took him in to hospital, they kept him in over night for obsivation but let us go first thing on the 13th of December.
He got worse during the day, constantly throwing up and struggling to breath, he was always sleeping and not moving a right lot so come the evening of the 13th we took him back in to hospital, there we stayed for the nect 2 weeks, spending our first Christmas as a family together by his hospital crib.
Looking back it was not a bad day even tho my poor boo was ill, he has suffered 2 types of Bhronchalitis (spell check here lol) the first was not contagious but the second was, he eventually and slowly started getting better, eating without throwing up, it was a long process but we got there in the end.
All the nurses knew us by sight and name (even to this day they do) as we had spent so much time on ward 17 me been 3 weeks away from my due date to this very day we are well known on the ward. As we were spending Christmas in hospital I decided to make the best out of a not so good thing and decorated our room with Xmas decorations and got a mini Xmas tree, we put the tree on the table and put all the pressies under the tree, turned out to be a fantastic Xmas in the end, especially when I found out that the nurse's had been bragging to all the other nurses about how Christmassy it was in our room and everyone kept popping in to have a nosey, which was fantastic because been stuck in  a hospitla room for 2 weeks is very lonely and boring.
Any ways on the 27th December we got let out of hospital which worked out fantastic as it was my Neice's 1st Birthday so I went up to see her, Left Joel at home with Charlie as he still was a fair bit poorly and was not really a good idea to be dragging him out in the cold.
Any ways this story aint finished with a happy ending yet as on the 2nd of January 2011 we were back in hospital with our little one again as things were not improving and his special milk he was put on was not staying down, so the hospital did yet more tests on him, this time he has (of all things) Swine Flu, this point he was 4 month old (birthdate is 3rd September) so we was in hospital for another week while he started to recover from that with all his medications. I felt and still feel really guilty, if I had reacted faster in the begining of his Illnesses none of this would have happend, If he had died I dun't think I could have lived with my self, I feel like I let him down by not taking care of him and all I could do was cry all the time.
Charlie still suffers with Bhronchalitis (spell check here lol) but now he is a happy 16 month old boy (most of the time) he is so easy going and will sit on the floor for ages looking through his books, he took some time to catch up with other babies his age in his development but now (aside from his chesty breathing) to look at him you would never know he was really poorly. He has attended over night trips a couple of times during this last year due to his breathing but nothing majour has come from it, thank the lord.

 This is Charlie now, this picture was taken at Eureka in Halifax on the 12th January 2012. My happy 16 month old boy.x I could not be prouder of my little fighter.x

So much excitement......

First of I would like to start by saying all you lovely people that look at my blog, please feel free to follow me, I'm looking a little sad with just 1 follower at the minute and it's even sadder that it is my partner that is my only follower hahaha.x
I'm really excited bout this year because a few good things are going to be happening, first of a really good friend of mine is a) having a baby, which is due the 1st of June, so excited to meet him or her and b) she is moving back up to our home town, this bit I love the most because it means now that I wont have to fight her whole family anymore for me to get to see her on her very rare visits as now she gunna be here for good WHOOOOOP.
Secondly, A wonderful young woman i met on the interent almost 9 years ago is taking the plunge and coming all the way from Canada to come meet me face to face, she will be staying with me and my partner in our home (that we shud have by the time she gets here) and she is staying for 2 to 3 weeks so im really excited about having her come stay, it been a long time coming as this perticular young lady help me realise that there are good people in this world, she helped me get through some really tough times and she has stuck by me through every second of every emotion I have had.
Thirdly (this one if for you Fran) Joel and I have decided we are going to try for another baby so Charlie can have a little brother or sister, (I personnally hope a sister lol) but we will see, I stated this one is for Fran (Joel's sister) because she is extreamly eager for Joel and I to have lots of babies, Fran is a lovely yet highly crazy woman bahahahahaha (sorry Fran) but no one can ever doubt how much she loves and cares for her family ESPECIALLY Charlie. If we do have a little girl we decided in Memory of Barbara Mary Grainger we are going to use Mary as a middle name for our little girl, this was my very own choice and when I spoke to Joel about it he was over the moon that I chose to use the name.x
Last but certinally never the least, My wonderful sister Shelley announced that she too with her partner Ryan are going to be trying for a baby so its all babies in the air round here hahahaha but im so excited as if we conceive close together it will be magical and so beautiful, I love my sister so much, she deserves a lot of happyness.x

Any ways I think I'll leave you with that for now as im shattered and it is 4am in the morning lol (my sleeping habbits have never gotten any better) hahahaha, Good night God bless.x

Poem I Wrote Joel.x

I've been touched with hands that tore my flesh,
Have been made to feel that I am trash;
I've been trod upon as if a useless rug,
And never felt the warmth of an honest hug.

Alone in my bed I've quivered, not from cold but fear.
Everywhere I went I saw their disgusting sneers;
I tried to fight, I tried to win, but always I failed,
And found myself with beasts being laid.

I've granted love, but been given hate,
At nights I've said to be "great."
I have knelt and prayed, but bootless were my cries,
It seemed that not even God could clear my eyes.

You came into my life and held my hand;
You taught me how on my feet I could stand.
You loved and never asked of the past or of now;
You simply cared and I don't know how.

You changed me, you gave me love,
You made my heart as pure as a dove.
You made me hang on, no matter what;
You've taught me to face the cold and the hot.

You saw in me not darkness but light;
You taught me how to win the fatal fight.
I love you as no woman has ever loved.

Poem I Wrote for a very good friend of mine.x

I know I promised a poem I wrote for Joel but I thought I would share this one first, I wrote this for my riend just after we got back in contact with each other, we were best friends from being babies and lost touch after my mum moved us away and now we are friends again and I am so glad we have found each other.x

Hope you all like it.x 

As childhood friends, we grew up together,
Swearing to be friends forever and ever.
Sometimes we would argue and fight,
Other times we would laugh and stay up till late at night.

We went from playing with games and toys,
To talking and dreaming about different boys.
My thoughts and feelings, to you I would confide,
Never having anything to hide.

We fell apart along the way,
I always thought you were here to stay.
Life went on, and I grew strong
But everything was all wrong.

Friends we will always remain,
Things changing, and things staying the same.
About each other, we will always care,
As we start talking through the air.
I know your life is hectic
You are busy all day through
My life is busy also
But I still think of you
Friends forever once again,
I hope this time nothing will change.
You are a person I will treasure,
Always and Forever and ever!

Just Thought I would share some pics with you all as I have just noticed today that I do actually have people looking at my page.x :-)

16 Months Down the Line.x

I'm not very good at keeping up to my Blog, but my new years reselution is to try get at least one post a week on, I am now gunna rant and rave about anything that is everything, I'll talk of my struggles and worrys of motherhood and of every day life, I hope I do not bore you all stupid.x

Well it has been 16 months since I last posted (there or there abouts) My son Charlie is now 16 months old and is a right little man, he runs me ragged, it has been a really difficult ride with Charlie, when he was 3 months old it was his first Christmas, he was seriously ill, he had 2 types of Bhronchalitis and soon after that he had swine flu so we ended up staying 3 weeks in hospital for his first ever Christmas, it was horrible, we very nearly lost Charlie twice during his illnesses, but he pulled through, I spent many a day and night crying my eyes out but I had a select few people around me that was there for me and kept me held up (they know who they are so I wont mention names). Though these people were beyond fantastic with me I was petrified, I could not beleive that God would bless me with such a precious little thing and then take him away from me, I never dared to voice my fears of loosing Charlie because I didnt want people telling me not to be so stupid and weirdly enough I couldn't cope with people been nice to me, My wonderful farther in law often came in to see us and every time he walked through the door in to our little room I broke down, I broke down hard because I could see in his face that he was terrified of what would happen, he was trying to stay strong because he knew I couldn't be strong, as I write this down remembering all of this it has brought tears to my eyes, Keith if you ever read this I thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything you did for me, I thank you so much, you are a god send and im so honoured to have you in my life.x
Since his majour illness he has come on in leaps and bounds he is just like any other child his age but on medications (even now to this very day) but he gets by and is a happy smiley little lad.
We currently live at a friends house after been evicted from our old house due to having a dog and even though nothing was wrote in the half an A4 sheet of paper of a tenency agreement about not having pets we had to leave, we have been living with a friend and his 2 sons for over 2 months now and it is extreamly difficult, Charlie, Joel and I are having to share a bedroom which gives us no alone time, and sitting downstairs with everyone around alot is even really difficult because there is no privacy, so needless to say I am rather frustrated, please dont get me wrong, im so unbelivably grateful to have such a wonderful friend that has taken us in and given up his bedroom for us to use but I really want my own place again, with privacy were we can shut the world out and enjoy time just as a family.
We no longer have our beloved Doggy Eva, we had to reholme her due to living at a friends house and I miss her daily.x
There is a fair few issues I still suffer with in my own personal self but most of it has been hidden away and is not bothering me so much any more, though I have gone through more downs than ups since I last spoke on here I have been better able to handle them due to having such wonderful friends and family and of course Joel whome I love with all my heart, if it were not for him I can honestly say I wouldnt be here today.x
I am still extreamly paranoid, I often think that Joel's siblings do not like me, like im not a good enough person to be around, I spent alot of time looking after Barbara when I met Joel, I never knew her before her illness kicked in but I grew attatched to her, she needed looking after and needed so much attention I formed a ver serial bond with her and now that she has gone in to a home perminantly I feel rather upset at the fact no one ever asks me if I would like to go see Barbara at her home, They always tell me because of Joel and Charlie, I am part of the family but if that is true then why do I not get treat like part of the family (not including Keith in this) but no one invites me to nights out or to go see Barbara or anything, I do get invited to go to the house for lunch but thats it, not to sound like im a jelous cow but Naomi (Joel's brother's new wife) gets treat like family, long before she married in to the family she got treat like family, I mean for god's sake I gave them a new generation to the Grainger family and still nothing! It has really upset me and yes I have spoke to Joel about it and he tells me its nothing to do with likes and dislikes but I say plerghhh, if they dunt like me thats their choice but I'd rather know than not know.x
Over the next few days (when i have a spare 10 mins) I'll be gracing you with a poem I wrote for Joel before I even knew him.x
Rant over for now :-)
So for now I grace you all good night and Happy New Year.x